You may know your horoscope but you do you know your horrorscope?
Aries March 20 - April 19
If you have been feeling rather good, well this is about to turn around for you. If you have had nothing but sunshine, then you are getting skin cancer. If you just got a promotion at work, your company will file for chapter 11 and will be closing its regional offices. As an Aries, you sulk and most importantly you suck. You sulk while you suck.
Taurus April 20 - May 19
Your love life will take a left turn, your significant other is cheating on you with another, someone you have a crush on. And no, you can't join. As a Taurus, you are a slouch and a coach potato. You should have that abnormal rash checked.
Gemini May 20 - June 20
The planets are working against you, so are the gods and Mother Nature. You should stay home, dead lock the door, and hide under your bed. Follow your own heart and you will go over a cliff. Follow your head and you will get lost. Stay home, avoid everything including sunlight.
Cancer June 21 - July 21
You ooze loser from every fiber of your being. You are a natural born playa hata. Don't lie to yourself, you have no talent, nothing to aspire to, nothing to gain because you have nothing to lose. If things do start to look up, just remember that everything to goes up must come down.
Leo July 22 - August 22
You will find that your energy is totally drained. You will start drinking alcohol and start popping pills at six in the morning. Nothing will be as you want it, your whole life is a chaotic mess, a complete failure. You will lose the love of your life, and now everything has lost its meaning.
Virgo August 23 - September 21
You are just too plain. A plain Jane, an average Joe. You are overlooked for promotions, and are always the designated driver. You have no friends other than your parents, and they are only friendly to you because they mistake you for the neighbor's kid.
Libra September 22 - October22
You have such bad luck that you get every statistically possible red light. You can't avoid potholes even if you see them a mile away. Opposites attract, and all you attract are flies.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You got way too many skeletons in your closet. In fact, you have zombies and mummies in addition to your standard skeleton. You can't fit any more skeletons in your closet. All your skeletons, zombies, and mummies you have hidden there will rise to reveal themselves to your friends and family.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I got good news and bad news. The good news is that if you had a significant other they would leave you, but since you don't they won't. The bad news is the effect aging will have on you. What is left of your hair on top of your head will whither away and new hair grow on your ears, back, and warts.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your winning numbers are, ... Well, you don't need winning numbers. You have never won anything but traffic tickets and court appearances. But this is soon to change, you will soon be tried for a crime you couldn't even commit because you where in a different state at the time of the crime. But that won't stop the DA from winning his case, locking you up and throwing away the key.
Aquarius January 20 - February 17
Born under the sing of Aquarius, you are allergic to water and don't bathe as you should. That mole on your cheek, which you think makes you look like Cindy Crawford, is a chocolate chip from last year which now you need to have surgically removed.
Pisces February 18 - March 19
Your acne will break out in places that the sun don't shine. You will have a very productive day popping your pimples. There are great job possibilities in a drug research company as a test subject.